get to the root
I sieved through a bunch of my old journals today, entries I had written from 2017 to 2021.
It felt good to relive the person that I was and to realise, I’m no longer her anymore. It was an arduous growth and as I scanned the pages I wish I could give those many versions of me a hug.
I ran through so many cycles of plummeting and trying to get back up again. It was almost… pitiful. There were countless moments in the past year when I basked in regret and thought to myself that I did not try hard enough. Today made me realise that I truly did, in the best of what I knew and could do then, I really fought to keep my head above the water.
This journey of retrospect further iterated a point that has been bouncing about in my mind for the past few months - get to the root of the problem.
My life before 2017 saw me constantly pushing forward with a fiery determination to leave the past behind. I wasn’t getting over things like I thought then but simply distracting myself with the next best thing. I’ve learnt the very hard way that unless you cut right to the core, the problem keeps coming back.
The lessons will wear different faces but they will pay you a visit nonetheless.
At many points I threw the towel in, absolutely beaten down by both the past and the present. There was no solace to be found in the physical circumstances nor the prison that was my mind. When the layers to work through are so thick and the knots so tangled, it takes times. A lot of it.
You simply can’t undo decades of damage in the blink of an eye, not when it has been so deeply rooted into the fibre of your very being.
I can’t say that I’ve struck the crux yet, but I know I’m cutting it real close. That, is more than enough. I’m just thankful to feel the way that I do now, a feeling I never knew could exist for someone like me. It’s so simple and yet, so ineffable.
Revisited an entry I discovered a month ago, it made me bawl my eyes out then but today, it made me smile.
“And most importantly, I hope you remember the Audrey who is writing this.
Because she is always rooting for you and with all of her heart, she believes in you.
Ride the waves as you must & always remember to have fun.”
This was part of a letter I had written to my future self on the last pages of a journal in 2020. I had clean forgotten about it and found it most serendipitously, in a moment of shift when all the words finally resonate.
Bemusing, but in the best way.
x
